So Last week went "decent". I got more active for 4 days last week- did a spin class, a pilates class and did my elliptical trainer for the other two days. Last week I guess I never wrote down my weigh in--it was 243.2
This weeks weigh in is 238.4. Husband is out of town until NEXT monday (and even then, only for a day), and it has brought me a few challenges. Lonliness for one. Depression for the other. Sleeplessness as well. I feel depressed, which is nothing new- I just can't be "happy" and I KNOW I need to feel some happiness to keep myself motivated. I'm desperate to feel something other than overwhelmed. I attempt to bury myself in work and it works okay sometimes. The problem is that aside from A- all of my friends have better friends. I am no one's Go-to friend. I feel like I have made myself an outcast and to be brutally honest I think people don't want to be friends with me because I am fat. The thought of that makes me feel angry--makes me want to get really skinny then shun them, though I am not sure that will really make me feel better...but maybe it would a little bit!
I went out with my friend on Saturday night and what started to be a good evening ended up making me feel worse than I did before I went out. I wont go into detail but it involved some inability to block out her negative energy. I have always had this problem. I am easily dragged down. I wish for once I would be able to separate myself from the negative energy and just feel fine. I am afraid of this upcoming week. I am afraid that I will fail and let my emotions get the best of me but I PROMISE to try not to. I am going to take some measurements tonight and post later on.
For now I will go do elliptical, then I have to shower, do some work and go to my inlaws for a labor day bbq. Wish me luck!
xx drina
Monday, September 3, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
A year and a half...and 22 unwanted extra pounds later
What to say? I've been in denial. I've been working a lot, I've been tired. I've been sad. Overwhelmed. I have a million excuses that all add up to 80 extra pounds. I've...let myself go and I think I am ready to let go of that too. I have a love hate relationship with myself, with working out, and with food, and I need to find a way to stop making those three fight, and get to my happy medium. I need to be inspired, I need to be accountable, so I will start with a humiliating picture (inspired by Katie @runsforcookies) of my scale number, a horrendous picture of myself, and a great reminder as to why I need to take this journey.
There are the obvious reasons: Health, Longevity etc. But there are also my desires; to wear something other than all black, to look good in the bridesmaid dress I need to wear in June 2013, to be and feel comfortable in pictures, to be happy? I sort of resent that last part. We (And when I say "we" I mean I) do tie so much self-worth into our weight, and to be honest it isn't so much about the number as it is feeling great! Feeling sexy and full of life. Having energy. Feeling secure in my personal relationships. This is going to be a rough journey but I am taking this time here and now to pour my heart and soul into maybe finally loving myself again. There have been bumps in my life that I secretly blame for this weight gain, but truly I need to blame myself for not caring. Things will be ok, even if it takes a million years to lose this weight. I am still young and learning, and my plan of attack and goal for this coming week:
1-No more fast food. IF I do eat fast food make a healthier choice and budget it into my calorie restrictions (Going for 1500-1800 per day) --being realistic
2-drink more water!!!!!!!!! the diet soda is doing me no favors!!
3-try to at least walk 3-4 times this week or do elliptical trainer for 30-40 minutes a day. again, being realistic, setting doable goals for myself because I would love to say workout every day and eat 1200 calories but I know myself.
4-stick as closely as I can to a diabetic diet. whole wheat/grains, vegetables, fresh fruit lean cheeses and meats in moderation.
I will blog as much as I can. This will be where I let out my blood sweat and tears. I need this. I want this!!! I am praying to god to help me through the way and maybe take a few steps back.
ciao for now--dreen
There are the obvious reasons: Health, Longevity etc. But there are also my desires; to wear something other than all black, to look good in the bridesmaid dress I need to wear in June 2013, to be and feel comfortable in pictures, to be happy? I sort of resent that last part. We (And when I say "we" I mean I) do tie so much self-worth into our weight, and to be honest it isn't so much about the number as it is feeling great! Feeling sexy and full of life. Having energy. Feeling secure in my personal relationships. This is going to be a rough journey but I am taking this time here and now to pour my heart and soul into maybe finally loving myself again. There have been bumps in my life that I secretly blame for this weight gain, but truly I need to blame myself for not caring. Things will be ok, even if it takes a million years to lose this weight. I am still young and learning, and my plan of attack and goal for this coming week:
1-No more fast food. IF I do eat fast food make a healthier choice and budget it into my calorie restrictions (Going for 1500-1800 per day) --being realistic
2-drink more water!!!!!!!!! the diet soda is doing me no favors!!
3-try to at least walk 3-4 times this week or do elliptical trainer for 30-40 minutes a day. again, being realistic, setting doable goals for myself because I would love to say workout every day and eat 1200 calories but I know myself.
4-stick as closely as I can to a diabetic diet. whole wheat/grains, vegetables, fresh fruit lean cheeses and meats in moderation.
I will blog as much as I can. This will be where I let out my blood sweat and tears. I need this. I want this!!! I am praying to god to help me through the way and maybe take a few steps back.
ciao for now--dreen
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